Before we get to the funny, here's a good summary of what a first-time author can expect from a publisher's publicity department. In other words, don't expect billboards and such.
Here's the start of a Shouts & Murmurs letter to an author:
Let me introduce myself. My name is Gineen Klein, and I’ve been brought on as an intern to replace the promotion department here at Propensity Books. First, let me say that I absolutely love “Clancy the Doofus Beagle: A Love Story” and have some excellent ideas for promotion...
Thanks to Suzanne Selfors for the link.